Stuck On You - What Do I Do?

Ask Ben - Question & Answer of the Week

By: Ben Ezra

Hi Ben,

My name is Sammy. I have a problem… I had a relationship with a girl like a year ago, and I was with her for like 2 years. Every since we broke up, every time I go out with a girl, I don't see her as being perfect and I keep remembering and comparing her with my ex. My other problem is, I’m too nice to girls. I treat them the way I want them to be treating me and it always f**** me up. I need to learn how to talk to women, especially if I don't know the girl… I always don't know how to start a conversation with them, like if I see some girl in the mall; I have no idea how to start?

Ben's Answer

First of all Sammy,

I would just like you to know that these are some great question, and that you are definitely not alone in asking them! Many men around the world have the same challenges, and I know this because, aside from helping out dozens of men with similar issues, I personally had to deal with a lot of these challenges myself (a couple of years ago) before I learned how to deal with them…

So here is my take on the subject:

My Ex Got Me Whipped

We’ve all been there before Sammy; whether it was in pre-school, high school, or some later stage in life. We have all fell head over heels at some point in our life for a woman who just seemed like the most perfect thing in the world, and there was nothing anyone could ever do to change our minds. You may have seen her on the cover of some magazine, met her in a coffee shop one day, or even had a 2 year relationship with her once… But in the end, all that matters is this:

She got you whipped!

It’s no surprise that 60% (if not more) of songs ever written or produced in the history of the world all touched on this topic (Stuck On You by Lionel Richie, Always On My Mind by Elvis Presley, Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt, Still by Brian McKnight, This Is How You Remind Me by Nickelback… Just to name a few). No wonder these songs became such huge hits – People could relate to them!

Does that mean you simply have to raise your hands and give up, or even worse; write some “I want you back” love song? Of course not! You are going to have to move on. And yes, I know that it may be easier said than done, but let me tell you something that you should realize:

If a woman breaks up with a man, it usually takes her about 1-2 days to get over it and move on (unless the man broke up with her first). It may be hard for you to come to terms with this, but she probably doesn’t think about you that much anymore – at least not as much as you think of her. I’m not psychic, but I’m guessing that she didn’t have much of a problem to get over you and move on (she probably found a new boyfriend not too long after), so why should you?

Ahhh but yes! You still have FEELINGS for her… which also gives me the idea that you probably had “too much” feelings for her to begin with. Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have any feelings towards a woman, but you should always keep things under control. It sucks when a relationship that seems too good to be true ends in a break-up, but there is no use in crying over spilled milk Sammy… You got to move on!

And never compare new women you meet with your ex, because as much as you may have thought she was perfect, she wasn’t. No body is perfect, and if you will continue to compare all the future women you will meet to your “perfect” ex, you will only be setting yourself up for failure. Every woman is beautiful and fascinating in her own unique ways, so you can never compare.

Don’t live for yesterday or tomorrow… Live for now, and always enjoy yourself when you go out with new women. Before you know it, you’re going to find yourself a woman who is 100 times more perfect than any other woman you have ever met in your life – you just have to be open to it!

I’m Too Nice

So you have a slight case of “Nice Guy Syndrom”, don’t worry too much about it – it ain’t gonna kill you… But it will dramatically decrease your chances of being truly successful with women. So this might be something you should consider taking care of.

Way too many men run into the trap of treating women extra nice, thinking that they will treat them extra nice back… BIG MISTAKE! You can’t treat a woman the same way you want to be treated, because it simply doesn’t work that way!

When you hear a woman say that she wants to meet a “nice guy,” do not be confused! What she really means is: I want to meet a real man, who can also be considered a “nice guy” in certain ways…

The problem with acting extra nice to women is that, you are focusing too much energy on trying to seek their approval and build comfort. When you only focus on building comfort in a woman, and fail to build a certain level of attraction, the chances are that you are going to end up in the “friends zone” (if you even get that far).

You have to not only focus on building comfort with a woman, but you must build her attraction level towards you as well – simultaneously. There is a lot you should know on this topic, so if you are really serious about improving your success, check out my book, Modern World Dating.

All in all, don’t do things for women because you think you have to, and always have a backbone! It’s OK to say NO once in a while… Women want MEN, not little overly-polite “nice guys.”

Pick Up Lines

I go into great detail on how to approach women in my book, and what you should say to them, but let me just give you something you can use in the mean time…

If you see an attractive woman in a mall, simply walk up to her and say something like, “I Couldn’t help but notice you, and I just wanted to see what you were like… I hope you don’t turn out to be some crazy psycho woman” (dead-on eye contact with a questioning smile). If said with confidence and some self assurance, the woman should be smiling and open to some further conversation (make it quick), and then get her number…

If everything I talked about seems like a lot to take in, don’t worry about it… Just take it step-by-step, and don’t be scared to fail a few times along they way. You can learn much more from mistakes than you can from successes… So just get out there and start making things happen! Don’t take yourself too seriously, and make sure to have fun in the process!

Good Luck!

If these things really made sense to you, and you would like to learn ALL the secrets you will ever need to know about women, you can click here to get more information.